This morning we drove to Mayo so my sister and I could get tested for hereditary paraganglioma-pheochromocytoma syndrome. Basically just drawing our blood to check for a mutated gene. It’s dominant, so there’s a 50/50 shot for each of us. We find out in 2-3 weeks.
As we were driving, I started to get nervous. Why? I was trying to figure that out - and then it hit me: the last time we drove here all together was the day of my dad’s surgery a year ago. Has it already been a year? And that’s the moment where memories started to surface, and still haven’t stopped. That season of my life is a blur, yet so crystal clear at the same time. I remember driving down there before the surgery. The entire car ride was silent. That could’ve been his last day, and still nobody said anything. The six hours between the time I said goodbye and hearing that he had made it were the weirdest I had ever experienced. It was literally like someone had pushed pause on my life. Floating. Numb. And I was numb anyway. I had just started going back to school when he went into heart failure on April 10th. I was barely hanging on in the first place. The month in between then and his surgery was surreal. My mom had shut down, but still made it look like everything was fine. Meanwhile I was cooking (which FREAKED me out), checking my sister’s homework, keeping people updated, cleaning, trying so hard not to mess up my own life more because they already had enough on their plate. I remember running until I couldn’t breathe. Sitting and staring at walls because I didn’t know what to do. After the surgery I remember driving 90 minutes after school to stay for a few hours before driving back to work and going to school. School…how did I do that? I remember spending long hours at the hospital, the smell making me squirm. It made me feel like I was back. Trapped.
I will always hate the smell of hospitals.
Memories like this come back. And although I really don’t like to deal with them, there’s still a lot that stems from that part of my life and impacts how I live right now. I still haven’t cried about it, really. I still can’t cry in front of my parents…however, that’s another story for another day. I didn’t really expect all of this to come flooding back so easily.
I need to spend some time with Jesus and get this sorted.